Breathe No More
by connora
Summary: Songfic to Evanecsence’s Breathe No More. It’s a HL. Luna is depressed and Harry is the only person who keeps her alive. But what happenes when he makes a mistake? Rated for severe depression and self mutilation.


Breathe No More

A petite girl lay on the floor of a cold stone room. She was back at Hogwarts, and miserable. Not because she hated school. No. She was actually very good at school. It was the people. Constantly tormenting her. Saying she was insane. She wasn't insane. She wasn't normal, if that's what they meant. But who is? She stood up, a pale blue dress sweeping the floor. She was barefoot, long brown hair covering her back. A tall mirror stood before her. Why couldn't she see herself? The mirror was there, but she had no reflection. Was is because she didn't think of herself as anything? She was a emotionless nothing in the eyes of everyone around here. Constantly called foul names and shoved to the ground when the professors turned away. She glanced at her arm. It was covered with cuts and scrapes. A few of the girls in one of her classes thought it would be fun if they threw rocks at her. Then one of them found shards of glass and they threw them at her. She walked over to a bucket, taking a wet bandage out, wrapping it around her wounds, making a tourniquet. Life: She hated it. She hated everything. She hated to be herself: Luna Lovegood.

_I've been looking in the mirror for so long __That I've come to believe my souls on the other side __Oh the little pieces falling, shatter_

Luna stared at the mirror. Maybe something was wrong with her. She never had a single friend. 'I am a nice person, right?' she thought. 'I never made anyone feel bad.' But that was what sentenced her to exile. Maybe she was too nice. Maybe she should be miserable. Maybe she was crazy! Maybe . . . ! She slammed her fist into the mirror.  
And now she saw her reflection. The little pieces of herself. That was all she was made up of. Little things. A little bit of pain, a little bit of hurt, but most of all, she was empty. She knelt down and picked one of the pieces of the mirror. She couldn't even feel the jagged edge tracing her fingers. She looked at it in her hand. Then she let the sharp edge draw against her delicate face. Still, she felt nothing. Something had to be wrong with her. But what if nothing was wrong with her? She may be completely normal. But normal people don't get tormented daily. Normal people don't inflict pain on themselves to see if they can still feel pain. She looked at the silver fragments on the ground. That mirror wasn't broken, she was. 'Why bother fixing it?' she thought, 'No one would bother to fix me. If one of them needed someone, I would be there. But, no. 'Luna's dying! But who cares?' she thought. She wanted them to feel pain. But they wouldn't. They were too busy hurting her. And no one could see her to save her.

_Shards of me To sharp to put back together To small to matter But big enough to cut me into So many little pieces_

She was visible. But to an extent. People could see her. But no one really saw her. She was like a window. Everyone saw through her. There were two kind of people to her. The people who hated her. And the people who loved her. Almost everyone spread some sort of hate to her. There was no one who loved her. Well . . . . there might have been one person.

Flashback

"Go on Luna! Fight back!" One girl yelled at Luna, who was covered in mud and dirt.  
" . . . no . . . " she muttered under her breath.  
"What was that? Cat got your tongue?" they cheered.  
"No," she said, a bit louder.  
"Sorry? Can't hear you!" "NO!" Luna screamed and ran away from the girls into the forest and fell to her knees when she reached the lake.  
"God, why? Why do you let me suffer? What did I ever do to deserve this? I'm not a bad person, really, I'm not. But still, you let those monsters torture me! I can't take it anymore! Why don't you just kill me already?!" " . . . what?" someone asked from behind Luna.  
Luna stood up, shocked. Who was it. _Please don't let it be them. I don't want another agonizing thrashing._ " . . . . h-hello?" she asked.  
"Luna?" the velvety voice called.  
"H-Harry?" she said, shocked. "What are you doing here?" he asked.  
"What do you think?" she snapped.  
"Honestly, I don't know," he said, gently, walking toward her.  
"Why are you here?" she asked .  
"Probably the same as you," he said.  
"I doubt it. Unless you've just been thrown onto the cold ground, had sticks jabbed at you and now can't feel anything, then, no, you're here for the same reason as me," she said teary eyed.  
"I haven't been though that step by step, but I'm pretty close. I've been tied up in the Slytherin common room for the past three days. Wrists and feet bound together, deprived of light and food," he said, sitting down.  
Suddenly, Luna felt guilty. At least she wasn't locked away as if she were some sort of storage.  
"What? I - I'm sorry. I didn't know," she said, sitting down beside him.  
"It's alright," he said, looking away.  
"How long has it been going on?" Luna asked.  
"All year," Harry answered, "what about you?" "Ever since I set foot in this God for saken place. I hate it all Harry, I don't want to live anymore, I've lost all hope," "I know how you feel," he said, looking at her.  
"At least you have friends," she said.  
"Some friends, they didn't even bother to look for me," "But you know what it feels like to _have_ friends," "I'm here for you," Harry said, his hand meeting hers.  
Luna was stunned. Why would anyone want to help her? It was a new feeling, someone actually cared about her.  
"Harry, really, you don't have to do that. I've come this far without anyone, one more year won't kill me," she said, moving his hand away.  
"Think about that," Harry said.  
"I don't want to put you in the same ruddy situation," Luna said.  
"I'm already in it. Just because it's not for the same reason doesn't make it better-" Harry started.  
"If you really care about me, you'll walk away," Luna said, tears welling in her eyes.  
"And if I really love you, I'll stay," Harry said, looking in her hurt eyes.  
"Harry, don't love me," Luna said quietly.  
"Why? Luna, why not? I'm not going to hurt you. And I really care about you. I want to be there for you. I love you," Harry said.  
"And though that may be true, I can't risk losing anymore then I have lost," Luna said, tears streaming down her porcelain face.  
"What more can you lose?" Harry asked, almost crying as well, "I have been alone forever. I have done nothing but cry and I've never had anyone care about me and be there . . . please Luna . . . I don't want to be alone anymore," Harry said, his green eyes, pale and glazed with tears.  
"Harry, you have more then me. You have everything I've lost. I don't want you being brought down in this six foot hole with me. I'm not saying no because I don't feel anything for you . . . I'm saying no because I don't want you to have nothing left to feel. Harry, I do care about you. You're probably the only person I have cared about. And I hate being alone all the time too. All of the silent cries. All of the cold nights. All of the lonely days. But, it's better this way. Please . . . just go." Luna said as Harry stood up and walked away but then turned around.  
"I love you, Luna Lovegood," he said, and before departing, he planted his lips on hers. And finally, he walked away.

End Flashback

By this time there were red lines all up and down Luna's arms.

_If I try to touch her And I bleed I bleed And I breathe I breathe no more_

Luna sat on the floor. Why did she tell him no? Maybe if she hadn't, she wouldn't have to sleep in a dark cold dungeon. But, she couldn't love him. She could, but it was impossible for them to be anything around people. They could barely be friends. She didn't want to bring him down with her. It wouldn't be fair. All he wanted was to love her, not to be tormented for it. It really wasn't a choice. It was the way things had to be. But why? Why did she say no to the only good thing that had walked in her life? She had a chance to breath. To be normal. To have a friend. One friend. Someone to love her. But she sent him away. She hurt herself, but saved him. Why couldn't they be together? Because everyone would assume he liked her, which he did. But that was unacceptable. 16 years old and no one knew that she had been dying since she was 12.  
She didn't have a disease, she longed for that. Then she wouldn't have to put up with all that she does. And no one was physically hurting her _too_ bad. The only time she was sent to the hospital wing was because she broke her leg, and that was her own doing. She was hurting herself. Emotionally and physically. She knew she could all end it. 'Just a little deeper in the right spot,' she would tell herself. But she never did it. She had there nerve to, but she didn't do it. She knew that one person, somewhere, cared. And now, he was gone. And she caused it. She was dying alright. From herself, and a broken heart.

_Take a breath and I try To draw from my spirits well Yet again you refuse to drink Like a stubborn child_

She loved Harry. More then ever. That night at the lake was not the first time their pain brought them together. No. One night, they were both ridiculed by different people. Luna, by a bunch of boys. They did more then just hit her. And Harry. A bunch of boys beat him to a bloody pulp. He must have had, 3, 4 broken ribs. After Luna and Harry were 'boring,' the both found themselves in Luna's 'room.' Once they found each other, it was like magic. They held each other, loved each other. Before they knew it, they were lying in bed next to each other. For once, the felt loved.  
Not a word was spoken afterwards. They didn't need to say, 'I'm hurting.' They knew. Luna, in a torn dress with crimson spots here a there. And Harry, in a red shirt that used to be white. She hated it. And loved it. She loved that he had been her first. But she hated that they probably weren't in love. There are two kinds of love. There's the one you feel all the time, no matter what. But then, there's the one they felt. The one that you feel when you need someone. Why would he want her? He actually had a life. He could actually have a girlfriend. 'Forget it Luna!' she screamed in her head. 'Why waste your thoughts on the inevitable?' She tired to think about something else but it hurt to take her thoughts away from something so good.  
Luna slowly pulled out a jagged metal from under her bed. It had notches in it. One for everytime she wanted to end it. She told herself that at 13 she would do it. Tonight, was number 13. She took out another metal and whacked it against the jagged one. 13. She held the shiny object in her hand and placed the cold metal against her wrist.  
"This is it . . . one . . . two . . . thr--" "NO! STOP!!" someone yelled.  
Harry.  
"What are you doing here?" Luna resumed her position, asking him through gritted teeth.  
"Luna, what are you doing?" Harry asked.  
"That's not your concern!" Luna said, not moving.  
"Yes it is! You are my concern! What is wrong?" Harry asked.  
"Nothing." "Then why are you holding a piece of metal to your wrist, counting to three?" Harry asked.  
" . . . I . . . " Luna dropped it.  
"Luna . . . . . " Harry walked over, taking her in his arms.  
"I can't go on without you! I want you so badly but I can't risk it. So living here, in this forgotten place with me and my broken soul, it the same as death . . . . . Harry . . . . I love you," Luna said, finally.  
"I'm sorry . . . " Harry said after a moment.  
"For what?" Luna looked up, "Love means never having to say you're sorry," "No, do you remember," Harry walked away, "the night those boys got hold of you?" Harry asked, a cold shutter in his voice.  
"I try not to but . . yes," Luna said.  
"Do you remember what they looked like?" Harry asked, his blood running cold.  
" . . . . n-no . . . " Luna was scared now.  
"Luna, that night, I was one of them. Not by choice though. They forced me and afterwards that's when they nearly killed me. And then later . . . . Luna, I had always wanted to be with you and I wanted to show you . . . . but after what they made me do . . . . . I couldn't see you again. Knowing that I hurt you. And when we found each other later, and I realized that you didn't know it was me . . . . I couldn't help it . . . . I'm sorry . . . but, I did mean it when I said I love you . . . . " Harry confessed.  
"Here," Luna picked up the metal and gave it to Harry, "go ahead. Break me more then you already have. I'm going to die tonight anyway, mind as well make it as painful as possible,"

_Lie to me Convince me that I've been sick forever And all of this Will make sense when I get better_

"Luna . . . . . I'm sorry . . . . " Harry said.  
"Sorry? You're sorry? I have been slowly killing myself since I was 12. And meeting you, was one of the things that keep me here as long as I've stayed. When I let you go, it was so that I could die peacefully! And now, I find out that you were one of the boys that raped me! And you were the one I loved! I gave myself to you when you had already taken me! . . . . . So, go ahead, Harry, kill me. I have nothing left to live for," Luna said, crying.  
"No . . . . I may have hurt you . . . . . but I still love you," Harry said, teary eyed.  
"It doesn't matter what you think anymore! You hurt me without my even knowing it, and I threw myself down a well so you could breathe. I sacrificed myself for you, and still I live . . . . . please Harry . . . . just kill me . . . . I'd rather suffer in hell then be loved by a liar . . . " " . . . . You may think that I went along with them for fun, but it really caused me pain to hurt you like that. You probably don't believe me and I can live with that but I cannot and will not live with you thinking that I never loved you . . . . . I did . . . . . . . . and I still do . . . . . and I would give anything for you to see that," Harry clutched the metal, " . . . . . even death . . . . . . " he raise the metal and slashed his arm missing his wrist.  
"HARRY!" Luna screamed and ran to his side, "Harry! Are you okay!?" "No, but I'll live, unfortunately, get off me," he said, jerking his bleeding arm from her.  
"No," she said, taking his arm back and laying him down on the ground, "I love you, Harry. I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I never thought that you didn't love me, I just didn't think it was that strong. I do love you," Luna said, now resting her chest on his, "but I have to know, who do you love. Me, Luna Lovegood, the battered, insane, ugly girl, or Luna Lovegood the mirror, the smiling, beautiful, font-putting girl?" "You," Harry said.

_I know the difference Between myself and my reflection I just can't help but to wonder Which of us do you love?_

"Good. Now kiss me so I can go," Luna said,  
"Go?" "Yes,"

Knowing how hurt Luna was, and how much she needed him, he ignored her comment of leaving, and leaned in and kissed her. A great light spread through her body. When Luna said she was going to die tonight anyway, she knew it would happen even if she didn't do it. She had lost the will to live long ago, and she convinced herself that she couldn't die without finding that one person who loved her. Once she convinced herself, it was fate. So, she could only die when he told her who he loved and then he had to kiss her. And he did. And she was going. It wasn't a painful death for her. It was rather . . . . easy. After inflicting pain on yourself for so many years, you don't feel anything. As the light shown though her, her body lifted up off the stone floor. All the scars and fresh wounds reopened and all the bad, painful memories poured out of her. Harry watched as silver dreams floated through the air with crimson heartbreak.  
" . . . . . . . . Harry Potter . . . . . you have always been . . . . . . my . . . . true love . . . . . . I will miss you greatly . . . . . I will keep you --- forever . . . . . . " Luna managed to say. And with that, she slowly fell to the ground, her arms still bleeding.  
Harry knelt down beside her. Her pale face no longer saddened. Her hands no longer shaking. And her heart, no longer broken.  
"I love you Luna," Harry whispered, "I always have . . . . . and I always will," and with that he kissed her lightly on the cheek.

_So I bleed I bleed And I breathe I breathe now . . . . .  
Bleed, I bleed And I breathe Ibreathe I breathe I breathe I breathe now . . . . ._

Note Just so everyone knows, this does not refelect me. I wrote this when I was depressed. I do not inflict pain on myself and I am not trying to mimic people who do. Just so there is no misuderstanding about that. And another thing, I have never heard this song, I liked the words. So, if youhave heard the song, tell me how I did. And, please, no flames. Thanks. Hope you like it. :)


End file.
